Monday, September 19, 2011
I've been lucky to have been a very liked person thus far in my life. Sounds silly to say, but teachers, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbors, family, etc have always showed me a lot of respect and general liking toward me as a person... I've been blessed with many many good relationships.
So when a relationship comes along that is a challenge, one that really needs a lot of work, I really struggle. Relationships shouldn't be a lot of work.
Right now, I'm really struggling.
I feel like I give and give and in return I get a lot of resentment, a lot of anger toward me, a lot of unwarranted negativity. It's zapping, both emotionally and mentally and I close myself off. I've been misread, misjudged, and alienated for reasons that are uncompromisable to the average person. You're opinions are yours, and I get that, but when the facts aren't there to back them up, they aren't facts. I feel like I could tell you the sunny sky is blue and you'd tell me I'm lying, and then spin it to say that I'm a horrible person for trying to tell you that it's blue. I can't change your mind.
You hurt people I love. You hurt good people. In the end, you will be the one missing out on so much in life. I know your life isn't as full as mine. I'm blessed in that regard.
I've been told to be fake, to put on a smile and pretend that the relationship is worth saving at this point. But it's not that deep inside that I know the truth. I've never been fake - maybe that's why you don't like me. I've told you when I disagree with the way you are treating me, treating my husband, treating others that used to be dear to you. I do it because I care for them. I do it because you are wrong.
You can read me like a book.
There's a fine line between being the bigger person and being true to me. The bigger person puts on the smile and bites my tongue, knowing that if it hasn't changed at this point, it never will. The true me wants to tell you how much you've hurt me, hurt people I love and that I hope no one causes that same pain that I feel on days like this.
In the near future there will be some changes. They will help me. I hope they help you too...