Am I ready???

Rev 3 Knoxville is 5 weeks away and to say that I'm unprepared is a bit of an understatement.  Yikes.

Swimming has been non-existent for a long time.  Like a really long time.  Like since before Abby was born.  Okay, even longer than that.  I think the last time I swam was maybe September.  Of 2012.  I wish I wasn't kidding.  I didn't swim when I was pregnant.  And since having Abby I've longed to get into the pool (because I'm one of those reeeeealy slow swimmer who actually enjoys every minute of my slow pathetic workout), but I just haven't found a way to make it work.  We have an awesome pool, but there is no child care.  Finding an hour or more to get to the pool, swim, get changed and get home just isn't in the cards.  Heck, I have a hard time going to the bathroom alone, let alone getting time to get to the pool.

Biking is another thing that I've put aside.  I love to bike.  I especially love biking on rolling country roads, when Tom and I can spend all day exploring, finding little sandwich shops or gas stations where I can buy Little Debbies and not feel the slightest bit of guilt because I'm riding 5+ hours that day.  That's heavenly.  But again, it doesn't bode well with a 10 month old.  Or where we live.  To get to country roads worth biking, we'd have to drive about an hour.  The roads around here are scary and since having a baby, my life seems to have even more value.  I have heard of far too many careless "accidents" where a biker has been hit, many time left and then dies.  Cars and bikes are no equal on the road, no matter how much we'd like them to be.  My 15 pounds Kestrel isn't going to fare well against a 3000 pound car.  So I find myself on the indoor trainer which is great and fine, but after about an hour, I call it a day.  Biking nowhere is hard.

Running - ah yes, that third sport.  I do it.  About 5 times a week.  I have zero speed.  I whine a lot about it.  I want it to be a zen experience and it isn't most days.  I can't tell you the last time I put on my headphones and just got lost in a run.  I can't tell you the last time I wasn't being pulled along by a 37 pound 10 year old dog who thinks she's 1 and has one speed - fast. 

So I get it - if you have read this far you are thinking "Colleen, you have no business doing a tri in 5 weeks".  And I probably don't.  But I will.  And I am excited.  I want to push myself.  I want to be surrounded by my teammates and other triathletes that are gungho the way I used to be.  I want to feel the excitement and the nervousness standing at the waters edge, know what's ahead of me and not knowing how I'll fare.  And the best part... about 3 hours after the horn sounds and I have my annual panic attack in the water (let's face it... I've been at this long enough to know that will happen), I'm going to be wrapping up my 6.2 mile run and I'm picturing grabbing Tom's hand as he holds Abby.  We will run down the finish line together.  We will smile.  I might cry a little.  And I will have that moment stuck in my mind forever - it's the first tri I've done as a mommy.  Now that's a pretty cool thing!

This girl will get me through it!!!

Dreams

It's been 500 days.  That's a long time.  500 days since I toed the line for a triathlon.  I can barely call myself a triathlete if it's been over a year since I did one.  Do I get my triathlete card revoked (don't get me started on my USAT card... that's long expired)?  I used to race 5,6,7 times a year.  I yearned for the competition, the long brick workouts, the tight spandex... oh wait, I never liked that part of triathlon.  And yet as another "season" comes to a close (you know, because doing one half marathon this year is totally a season people, get with it), I think about next year and what my goals are.  Tom asked me to tell him what my "dream" year looked like and in a all-too-common-lately moody response I said "I don't want to even talk about dreaming... I've done that too much and I just get burned".

It's been an amazing year, but a rough one too.  Tom's been out of a job for a while now and worked incredibly hard on a prospect that was right at his fingertips and then ultimately fell through.  We spent so many hours dreaming of how this was going to change our lives... and it did, but not in the amazing way we thought.  That seems to be the story of our life.  So between that roller coaster, and a lot of quite frankly shitty things, I sometimes find it hard to dream about next year.  Yes, I have an amazing family (my daughter is my world), a beautiful home, food on the table, my health, I'm married to my best friend, etc, but I guess I fear disappointing myself, my family, etc by dreaming about what life can be like.  But no one ever got anywhere without dreaming.

So... I apologized to Tom for my crappy attitude, like I always do, I pulled up my big girl panties, and I started to dream.  I see so much for us.  Tom will have a new career.  My company will be flourishing.  Abby is going to turn one and will be walking and talking and be this amazing little person (I mean, she already is, but even MORE amazing).  I dream of financial stability, and good health.  I dream of flourishing friendships and new ones to come.

And then there's my athletic self.  I know she doesn't really exist right now, but  I want to get back to it.  I want to get back to it good.  I put it out there that I want to win a 70.3.  Most likely my loftiest dream of 2014.  But I have one in mind and I'm going to have to work my tail off to get there (it's a small race and it's not totally unachievable, but it ain't gonna be easy).  There's a half marathon that I ran maybe four years ago in 1:48.  I want to go 1:47. I want to be that person that people look at and say "wow... she brought it AND has a life outside of the sport" (you know, because in said dream I'll look cute when I cross the finish line and my little girl will come running at me with her little bow legs and piggy tails.  Everyone will simultaneously stop what they are doing and "ahhh" together in unison at what an amazing mom I am and how adorable it is that my little girl loves me so much.  This is my dream people... let me have my moment).  It probably won't play out that way, but whatevs...

I will look cute though when I cross the finish line. Okay, reality check... I'll still be a sausage stuffed into it's casing - ain't nothing changing that, but at least the casing will look super cute.  I'm racing in this amazing kit this year and representing the Swim Bike Mom Army. 



After all, no matter how hard this year has been, I became a mom.  My dream came true.  

I have 327 days until possibly my next tri (hopefully I find one before that that suits my fancy).  In the meantime, I'm going to be busy.  I have lots of dreams to chase...