Race Schedule and Results

Friday, January 18, 2008

Is it working?

Last night on our run (which was a good one by the way!), Tom and I had a very hard but interesting talk about my weight. It's one of those things where I have good weeks and bad, and this one seems like a bad one. We've been house sitting and I have just been completely knocked out of my grove. I find myself snacking a lot more, not watching my portions, etc. Although I work out for an hour to and hour and a half each night, it just doesn't seem to be doing anything. I have been writing everything in my journal, although not portions and I think it's killing me. So our talk last night - it was that for me to lose 15 pounds I have to be PERFECT - no cheating ANYWHERE until I'm there. I got really upset about it because I'm torn. Should I work on accepting myself and my body for what it is now and be happy enjoying the foods I enjoy, or should I put myself on a very strict eating regiment to hopefully get to a weight that I *think* might make me happy. And when I do reach that *happy* weight, will I fall back into my old life and gain it all back, or will I have to live every day for the rest of my life knowing that I have to be perfect. I'm mean truly, what is perfect? No sweets? No soda and chips? No eating out? Small portions? I don't know. I'm so up and down with it and I just hope that I can find some answers within myself.

Tom loves me for me and that's a great gift. He just wants to be happy and that's an even greater gift. Now I just need to give myself the gift of happiness...


Carolyn said...

Hey now you're being silly! How is being perfect a realistic goal?

A little story: A friend of mine lost over 100 pounds. When we traveled for work, she would pack all her food. She would only stay in hotels that had mini fridges for her food. She brought a scale with her to the dinner table and weighed her portions. I'm talking nice restaurants. She was a personal trainer and taught exercise classes at the gym. I like her a lot, because she and I worked out at ungodly hours and we both had reputations for being "healthy".

She and I gave talks to the staff on being healthy. That was when I realized for her, it was an obsession. For her, eating a 1/2 cookie was a very bad day. It totally blew her out of the water. So she never let it happen.

She had to control every aspect of her life because she was afraid of losing control and gaining all that weight back. She felt she had to be perfect all the time.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone. http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/dsef07/t5.aspx?id=7373&filmno=0

Carolyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

What is perfection? I don't think it's a lifestyle that you'd really want to attain, nor would Tom want you to. Isn't your happiness with Tom and the wonderful, love-filled life you share enough of perfection for you? So, you may not weigh exactly what you want...do many of us? Heck, my weight has been a roller coaster for 30+ years and it's just now sinking in for me that all those years of being a yo-yo with weight, perhaps my body was saying 'hey, I'm happy right where I am'. I certainly know that's the case with me now and unbelievable to say so, I have finally accepted that. I would venture to guess many a girl your age would give anything to have your shape, anything to have the active lifestyle you lead, and anything to have the love of a husband as you have from Tom. Perhaps that IS perfection!
I love you